Life Is Good.

Just a reminder :)

There's so much good in the world so don't get stuck on the little poopy things. They'll stay poopy (unless you see the good in them too) and they'll just drag you down if you mull over them too much.


So see how good life is. Be joyful.

To the Future Me: If You're Feeling Down...

When I go to Cam, I'm sure there will times when I want to regret my decision. It's not that going there would actually be regrettable, but because I'm a inherently paranoid decision maker. Here are a few things that I want the future me to remember so that I make the most of my time there :)

- After deciding to participate in CME, I've already stopped taking for granted what MIT offers us. There are so many opportunities MIT offers to help us kickstart our careers, whether in research, industry, grad school, or entrepreneurship. Some classes I want to take when I get back are 6.115 (Microcomputer Project Laboratory hopefully with Steve Leeb), Founders Journey, Engineering Innovation and Design (GEL 1), and New Enterprises (Sloan E&I). MIT may be hard, but you get a lot more application and experience here than any other engineering school (in my opinion)!
- At Cam, we have more control over our time. Therefore, I want to take time to build my portfolio, software-wise and engineering-wise. I want to join competitions there and student clubs, and get active early. I want to be self-directed and find motivation in working because I understand how important hands-on experiences are.
- Time is precious. I will only have one year abroad to do all the amazing things I've imagined. Travel, learn, meet people, try new things, and challenge myself in every aspect!

To the future me: When I have a real hard time abroad, remember that I knew and felt that this was the right decision. I am happy about this decision and feel the joy of breaking free. I've impressed my parents with how mature I was about considering my academic and professional paths while making the decision and how motivated I was to capitalize on the opportunity and fulfill a lot of dreams while challenging myself.

So there. If you're feeling down, think about how rough some of the times were back at MIT. YEAH. So keep your head up and smile. You're at an incredible place filled with amazing people and an ocean of possibilities. So go have fun and live your life!

Why I'm Going to Cambridge.

This is one of the surest things I've done in a while. Which is sad, because even on this decision, I wavered a bit.
But it's one of the first occasions that I feel like I'm doing something for me. And I feel like my mind and my heart agree. I feel free. For once, I've broken past any expectations of me or the pressure I feel from comparing myself to my peers.
I am doing this one for me. In my first few semesters at MIT, I developed a four-year plan without even giving thought to what or why I wanted something in the first place.
I have a Word Document (typing that made me feel archaic for some reason...) that contains all of the most interesting or inspiring words I have ever read online. Today I pull one out from Steve Jobs at the 2005 Stanford Commencement. It's one that I remind myself of often and quoted around the sides of one of my paintings:

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

 

I know my education is important. But what makes education more valuable is what you put into it - your ambitions, dreams, and confidence. Currently, I lack the latter two, and it terrifies me. Hopefully, by making myself realize that I can do something very different from my peers for a year and survive and feel phenomenal, I can believe that life can be lived without a dictated roadmap. Well, being the paranoid individual I am, I will still at least have a loosely designed plan for everything :)

I'm young. So I shouldn't live life scared of whether I'll fail. I should do things that interest, inspire, and intrigue me. And I am.

A Breeze from the Past

I was looking through some high school files from my old laptop when I happened upon a language and composition assignment from my junior year. This was one of my favorite assignments ever, and my teacher, Mr. Trainer, had made it into a contest. The assignment was to write a fictional scene based on Pierre-Auguste Renior's 1881 painting, Luncheon of the Boating Party. I remember spending so much time (out of enjoyment) writing and editing my piece and being furious after handing it in when my teacher announced that he eliminated any piece that used the word "wifebeater" or "beater," claiming that it was inaccurate to use that term since they did not exist back in 1881.
I was so mad. I wanted him to at least recognize how well thought out my writing was and to receive some acknowledgment for my talent, or at least my hard work. It's funny but thinking about it gets me a bit tense even now, haha.

Anyways, here it is for your perusal! 

Rebecca Zhang

Mr. Trainer

Lang and Comp

3 December 2009

Pierre-Auguste Renior’s Luncheon of the Boating Party, 1881

Finally, she had some time to talk to him. Well, if only the man hovering over her would walk away and reunite with his admirer, the flushed-face girl who rested her lovely face and hands on her elbows by the railing. The young woman eyed the man above her kindly and politely, pulling the corners of her lips apart in a tense smile. She wore a cerulean afternoon dress, most appropriate for resembling the waves made by the boat she was on for the luncheon. The dress was decorated with a patterned, frilled lapel and she wore a soft, brimless, sailor-themed hat that limped on the top of her burnt-orange curls. Her scalp must be protected from the beating sun, as her mother had reminded her. Across the small table, her sister, only eleven of age, sat alone, still too shy and naïve to relinquish the staged infatuation over her puppy and introduce herself to the many eligible bachelors.

            The young woman could see from the periphery of her view her childhood companion whom she had not talked to in years. He seemed happy. Unlike her, he was content with just sitting next to her on the rocking ferry and staring out into the lake to rest his eyes on the rows of sailboats and trees floating there. She wanted to talk to him. He had taken off his catering uniform and was wearing a relaxed white wifebeater and a boater just like the rest of the workers. He was leaned back in his seat with his hands anchored on the antlers of the wooden chair to secure himself. He smiled just as he had when he was only a boy, with the ends of his lips slightly curled up as if he could see many happy events happening in the near future. She didn’t know why he hadn’t stopped smiling. His father had left his mother and his mother died soon after-from heartbreak they said. He has been earning his own livelihood since then. And he catered for all her dining needs this whole morning while she indulged herself with imported champagne and sweet fruits. What could she say to him- “I’m sorry?” For what? Maybe it was better to allow the other man to keep talking.

            The towering man wore an ivory knit sweater over his clothes and no boater, probably to stand out among his workers. One of his hands wrapped around the far side of her chair and the other gripped one side of the chair beside her. His hand was too close to hers. She wasn’t even listening to the smooth words scurrying out of his mouth. How could he be trying to impress her when he knew he was slowly breaking the heart of another girl?

            The scratchy white fabric of her dress was itching her skin- was it the heat? Her thin hat could slip off her head at any time. She wished the burly man would stop leaning over the railing. He could tip the boat over. There was too much chatter and … she needed a break.

Rest.

Though I'm not Catholic, I'm going to begin this post with a series of confessions.

Confession 1: I haven't been to church in months.

Confession 2: Today I went to church and fell asleep for most of the sermon and mouthed most of the lyrics because I didn't recognize the worship songs.

Confession 3: From what I picked up from the pieces of me waking up suddenly from the sermon, the passage was from Luke about Jesus sitting with the tax collectors. Which made me feel a bit uncomfortable because in my current spiritual state, I see myself as the tax collector.

Maybe this is because of the nature of all sermons,  but sermons have the tendency of being pretty applicable to everyone in the room in some way. When the pastor kept talking about how we need to transmit the Word of God to all the "tax collectors" in our lives (which I kind of brushed aside because of Confession #3), I did feel selfish about my introspective thoughts. There were other people who had it much worse than me and I shouldn't tuck myself into my private bubble of stress. It was super unhealthy of me. And I started thinking that it was time to change my priorities in life...

But what really got me during the service was the last prayer.

During the pastor's prayer, he prayed that we would all get rest. Rest. Not sleep (though I badly needed that too), but rest. 

Rest - security from God and the constant reminder that God is taking care of you and it will be okay. As long as we do our part (or even if we just dropped the ball epically), God is there and He is good. 

I can't do life alone. Sometimes I convince myself it's possible, but life is so much better with God by myself. He is my Rest.

Full of Grate.

Yeah yeah it's not Thanksgiving, but this list's long overdue:

1. Smiley people. I swear, smiles are the greatest things ever. Just a simple smile can relieve all my stresses for maybe even just an instant, but that's powerful. And I never forget smiles. Seeing/spending time with a smiley person can keep me bubbly all day :)

2. My family. I love them so much. And I've definitely taken them for granted so far this semester and turned down their calls to do homework. So shameful, and I've got to stop. My family will always be there for me, but I want to always be there for them too.

3. Joining a sorority. What kind of MIT girl joins a sorority? Well this one did, and I may rag on it from time to time, but I've learned so many life lessons, and have so many shoulders I can lean on and it means so much to me.

4. My big. She is literally always there for me. And she probably (definitely) has 10+ times the amount of chaos going on in her life, but she devotes 100% of her mind and time to me when I need it. She is so wise and gives me a fresh perspective on all my woes and turns them into positive, insightful lessons.

5. Who I am. College has in many ways made me more insecure about myself because I'm surrounded by some crazy cool and ambitious people. But I've realized that I'm not too shabby myself and I need to stand by that :) and embrace growth and change but also who I'm comfortable being.
Personality goes a long way and I shouldn't forget that!

Moving out of My Dorm

Yeah. This episode was a doozy. My roommates had left a day before me so they finished packing 3 days before I even began.

This was their side of the room. So bare and therefore, clean.

I had about 3 times the amount of stuff they had and it was.... a mess. I pulled an all-nighter and still was packing as the moving truck driver was taking the boxes I had taped up out of my dorm room. Somewhere through the night my friends crashed on the other beds and were just eating pizza and dancing while I was packing. Everything's more of a blur though.
A while into the process of moving out, the dorm's elevator started getting stuck from all the traffic, so I had to carry my fridge (it's decently big and I packed some pairs of my shoes in it too [haha] because I ran out of boxes) down the staircase. It was scary.

So here's some photos mostly to remind myself never to pull a stunt like this again.
Fall 2012 resolution: DONATE EVERYTHING to Boomerang's (a thrift store in Central Square). Like everything. And maybe then I'll be able to move in with some grace.

It's okay if you need to shield your eyes:

This is the view when you first walked into my room. 

This was the wake-up call.

This may have been at its ugliest state.

It was after I'd emptied all my drawers and hangers. 

So painful. 

The good news is I did finish packing after throwing probably 1/4 of my belongings crap into the trash and having my awesome friend help out.

Briefly.

We only live once in this world. Every person we meet, we only meet fleetingly. It's up to us to create a connection with someone else and maintain a relationship. Time is brief, but you can slow life down.

As first semester wraps up, I'm going to miss my classes. I've learned so much from classes I would've never thought I'd pay attention to, much less enjoy and be inspired by.

I hope I can continue to pay some attention to Biology for example. The things that happen in that field are mind-blowing.

Happyness

(photo credit to Annie Hu)

I CAN BREATHE.

(In case you haven't gotten to in a long, long time...

IT FEELS FANTASTIC.)

But... this is just a part of the Beginning:

Today, you shall remember to

Hold Fast To Your Dreams.

Go, Live!

100% God

Facebook Status: Humbled.

Most people would interpret that as, "Oh, well I guess she didn't get in."

But hopefully some will see that as, "She knows it's not by her, but by God that anything is possible."

Hopefully......

MIT Class of 2015

Vitamins

I need a daily dose of realism.

Realism - to see things for what they truly are.
Truly - how things are without anyone touching it or thinking about it.

Realism: 1 day = 24 hours = 1440 minutes = 86400 seconds.
That's the amount of time I have in one day to do whatever I want.
I choose to identify responsibilities and tasks and allot my time for that.
I choose to accept my humanness and allot 6-7 hours to (refer to conversion) to sleep.
I choose to pretend that I am busy when really, I procrasinate and think activities like going online or reading or watching episodes on Hulu or walking or running or staring into space and pondering isn't going to take another 6 hours.

Truly: Time is a free and mandatory resource, a dimension, a measurement.

Realism: Time can be a friend. or an enemy. Right now, it's a frenemy. It's ok, but our relationship is sehr tiring. So much drama on my part. Time is really impartial to it all, which frustrates me. Why can't it slow down and wait for me? Why can't it catch up to my thoughts and ambitions? Why doesn't it care about me?

Realism: I am talking to myself. Time is far, far away, where everyone else can feel it.

Big Change or None At All

College admissions.

[WARNING: Reading this might make you feel bad or worse or better... risk's yours to take.]

What is this horrible feeling that is coming over me? Stress, then anxiety, then shortness of breath followed by instinctive forcing of long heaps of inhales and exhales, then frustration, then backtrack in memory to what could've gone better throughout my application process, then the background congratulations to everyone else who's been accepted to their respective schools, then the visualization that I won't get into mine, then the room spinning, then the self-comforting that I'll end up somewhere where I will be happy in the end, then the selfish counter that I really want to get in, then tiredness of the whole business and emersion into deep denial of the whole situation actually happening.

"WHEN are you going to find out?"
"Oh my gosh, you applied early too? I heard like 11 applied there."
"If you don't get in, it just wasn't the right place for you."
"You'll be okay." "Wow, that's incredibly hard to get into."
"Good luck! Tell me when you find out." "Ooh, 4 more days..."
"I can’t tell you not to worry, to relax, because whether you’re on the 'excited' side of things, or the 'freaking out' end - that's just unrealistic. " "Colleges shouldn't have the power to break hearts...:/
Good news or bad news, it doesn't change the fact that to me, you'll all always be amazing. ♥" "Hey, just think, in a couple weeks, it'll all be over..."

Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath.

But then at the end of this cyclical madness of the mind, I reach my 10-second epiphany where I realize that whatever happens, it's been decided already. Time is a dimension, but somewhere, it's already been done. Somewhere, I know if I got in or didn't get in. And hopefully, if I get in, it doesn't change too much. Hopefully, I won't get narcissistic or incredibly self-commending or ignorant of other people and unfaithful.
But hopefully, if I don't get in, I shouldn't get really upset as if I expected a different outcome, or incredibly self-deprecating or greenly-envious of other people and unfaithful.
Please, whatever happens, the decision someone else makes should not affect the peace of mind I have. Peace is independent of outside forces.

Peace is faith in God.

That felt good. Deep breath, deep breath, slowly return to normal.

If Summer Was 1 Day. Nay, 2 hours.

only 1.

as the days start to shorten and the nights start to swallow up our energy.

One of my friends was talking about a short story we read in 6th grade and it made my day that she had brought it up. I had forgotten all about it these years... why would they include that story in a 6th grade curriculum? It means so much more than we would consider it for when we were just 11.

The story: All Summer in a Day by Ray Bradbury.

"I think the sun is a flower,

That blooms for just one hour."

"Margot stood alone. She was a very frail girl who looked as if she had been lost in the rain for years and the rain had washed out the blue from her eyes and the red from her mouth and the yellow from her hair. She was an old photograph dusted from an album, whitened away, and if she spoke at all her voice would be a ghost. Now she stood, separate, staring at the rain and the loud wet world beyond the huge glass."

And my favorite passage:

And then—

In the midst of their running one of the girls wailed.

Everyone stopped.

The girl, standing in the open, held out her hand.

"Oh, look, look," she said, trembling.

They came slowly to look at her opened palm.

In the center of it, cupped and huge, was a single raindrop.

She began to cry, looking at it.

They glanced quietly at the sky.

"Oh. Oh."

Oh.

sUMMer

View of the Charles from our room at 3 am

So this summer has been quite awesome so far with a summer program at MIT
that let me tinker with breadboards




and learn python




and apply matrices to real-life scenarios,



all of which I found tremendously useful in deciding what to focus on in the future.
Engineering, one of the teachers said, was basically made up of design and creation.
If that's the case, sign me up.