Sunday, December 12, 2010

Big Change or None At All

College admissions.

[WARNING: Reading this might make you feel bad or worse or better... risk's yours to take.]

What is this horrible feeling that is coming over me? Stress, then anxiety, then shortness of breath followed by instinctive forcing of long heaps of inhales and exhales, then frustration, then backtrack in memory to what could've gone better throughout my application process, then the background congratulations to everyone else who's been accepted to their respective schools, then the visualization that I won't get into mine, then the room spinning, then the self-comforting that I'll end up somewhere where I will be happy in the end, then the selfish counter that I really want to get in, then tiredness of the whole business and emersion into deep denial of the whole situation actually happening.

"WHEN are you going to find out?"
"Oh my gosh, you applied early too? I heard like 11 applied there."
"If you don't get in, it just wasn't the right place for you."
"You'll be okay." "Wow, that's incredibly hard to get into."
"Good luck! Tell me when you find out." "Ooh, 4 more days..."
"I can’t tell you not to worry, to relax, because whether you’re on the 'excited' side of things, or the 'freaking out' end - that's just unrealistic. " "Colleges shouldn't have the power to break hearts...:/
Good news or bad news, it doesn't change the fact that to me, you'll all always be amazing. ♥
" "Hey, just think, in a couple weeks, it'll all be over..."

Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath.

But then at the end of this cyclical madness of the mind, I reach my 10-second epiphany where I realize that whatever happens, it's been decided already. Time is a dimension, but somewhere, it's already been done. Somewhere, I know if I got in or didn't get in. And hopefully, if I get in, it doesn't change too much. Hopefully, I won't get narcissistic or incredibly self-commending or ignorant of other people and unfaithful.
But hopefully, if I don't get in, I shouldn't get really upset as if I expected a different outcome, or incredibly self-deprecating or greenly-envious of other people and unfaithful.
Please, whatever happens, the decision someone else makes should not affect the peace of mind I have. Peace is independent of outside forces.

Peace is faith in God.

That felt good. Deep breath, deep breath, slowly return to normal.

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