I'm an OxyMoron.

Today, I looked over some of my previous blog posts. Then, out of shameful realization, I stood up to bang my forehead (lightly haha) against the wall of my room.

Why?

Compare my October post to a recent February post.

Yeah...who the f*** do I think I am??

One day I'm proudly proclaiming being the Course 6 hipster triumphing alternative energy and the next second I sell my soul to become another Noogler. Oy.

Baby Lohan: What are you doing girl??

A few days ago, I found myself finishing my work up at 2am and, instead of jumping straight to sleep, sitting up and staring at the Boston skyline and the cars zipping across the Harvard bridge... and just thinking. Well, not just thinking, but stressing about the future. 

You know how I said I would stop regretting? Well it was like the f***ing reservoir of regrets busted open and flooded every nerve in my brain. Every classification of philosophical thought was exposed to my self-doubting mind. Who am I? What the hell am I doing? Will I just become a code monkey? But I thought I was going towards the EE side? Why am I doing a CS internship and then going to study EE at Cambridge? Why am I going to Cambridge? I'll miss out on all the entrepreneurship initiatives I wanted to explore on campus! What do I want to do my junior year summer? What if I just become one of those "social" engineers? Fixing small problems and not worrying about the waay cooler bigger problems that are hanging over our world like a cloud that is so massive that it makes you think it's actually just the sky and ignorantly live the rest of your days. Ughhhhh. Nooooo. I'll stop Google and just stay at my lab. All of those people are so smart so what they're choosing to do is obviously the smart thing to do right? Wait, I've been so excited about Google and I'm going to learn so much while I'm there. But how will it help shape me to be someone who can make big things happen? Gah. It's already 2:33am -- why am I doing this now? Wow this pillow's really soft. No, focus! No, this is stupid wallowing in self-regret in the middle of the night. Okay fine, good. night. Ugh. 

...followed by a restless sleep. 

So that's my state of mind right now. The bigger me knows this is all very STUPID thinking and that I should be grateful for the opportunities I have and embrace the decisions I make. So it goes. 

Taped and All Packed Up

On one of my last babysitting stints of the summer, I made a duct tape cross-body pouch.
It was the color combination that initially excited me, and after 20 short minutes, I was quite pleased:

Although I wouldn't trust it to hold anything too important!

Duct Tape

DUCT TAPE IS SO AWESOME. 

This clutch was something I made while babysitting. I like knowing I'm still a kid, no matter how harsh school gets. Why do harsh times make you grow up? Why does growing up make you shed kid features? I don't like these inferences we learn to make as we grow up. 

Why can't we be everything? I want to grow up to be a responsible kid, or something like that.

TEA BREAK

I was sitting in 5.111 today and the lesson on thermodynamics (er the lack of stimulating content in it) made me want to trace the words on my on-the-go coffee cup from the dining hall. 

I may be a very poor artist but when I sketch with an ink pen, 

I can pretend that every stroke is of pure talent and genius. 

What if there was a coffee shop that served its coffee in paper mugs like these and had pens scattered along the tables and encouraged their customers to draw and sketch on the cups? Then certain photographer employees can peruse and take photos of the really interesting ones and post the polaroids of them along a massive collage on the walls of the cafe?

The cafe would be called Calico Walls. 

HIP.STER.

Frohes Neues Jahr!

Germans are cheery people, right?
At least they seem that way in my textbook.
If we get a clean slate every year,
then mine would be scratched up from all the times I've tried to erase my mistakes.

...stop!

In case you haven't noticed yet, I've already posted too many posts for one day. It's probably because all of the reasons why I wanted to start a blog in the first time collect and amount to one impulsive, energetic hoo-rah of "let's start a blog!" and then I have to get all my ideas out before I forget or before I get bored. I know sooner or later my posts will become lonelier and lonelier until I forget about my blog altogether. (I am pretty pessimistic about my new year's resolutions, which is why none of them work out.)


Anyways, happy news years eve from my family Asian hot pot dinner, and my family friend's daughter Elyse (trying out her slick fob moves- cute).



And do notice the laptop and mousepad in the corner of the picture as memorable tokens to our overflowing qualities of being Asian.