Thursday, February 21, 2013

I'm an OxyMoron.

Today, I looked over some of my previous blog posts. Then, out of shameful realization, I stood up to bang my forehead (lightly haha) against the wall of my room.


Compare my October post to a recent February post.

Yeah...who the f*** do I think I am??

One day I'm proudly proclaiming being the Course 6 hipster triumphing alternative energy and the next second I sell my soul to become another Noogler. Oy.

Baby Lohan: What are you doing girl??

A few days ago, I found myself finishing my work up at 2am and, instead of jumping straight to sleep, sitting up and staring at the Boston skyline and the cars zipping across the Harvard bridge... and just thinking. Well, not just thinking, but stressing about the future. 

You know how I said I would stop regretting? Well it was like the f***ing reservoir of regrets busted open and flooded every nerve in my brain. Every classification of philosophical thought was exposed to my self-doubting mind. Who am I? What the hell am I doing? Will I just become a code monkey? But I thought I was going towards the EE side? Why am I doing a CS internship and then going to study EE at Cambridge? Why am I going to Cambridge? I'll miss out on all the entrepreneurship initiatives I wanted to explore on campus! What do I want to do my junior year summer? What if I just become one of those "social" engineers? Fixing small problems and not worrying about the waay cooler bigger problems that are hanging over our world like a cloud that is so massive that it makes you think it's actually just the sky and ignorantly live the rest of your days. Ughhhhh. Nooooo. I'll stop Google and just stay at my lab. All of those people are so smart so what they're choosing to do is obviously the smart thing to do right? Wait, I've been so excited about Google and I'm going to learn so much while I'm there. But how will it help shape me to be someone who can make big things happen? Gah. It's already 2:33am -- why am I doing this now? Wow this pillow's really soft. No, focus! No, this is stupid wallowing in self-regret in the middle of the night. Okay fine, good. night. Ugh. 

...followed by a restless sleep. 

So that's my state of mind right now. The bigger me knows this is all very STUPID thinking and that I should be grateful for the opportunities I have and embrace the decisions I make. So it goes. 

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