Big Change or None At All

College admissions.

[WARNING: Reading this might make you feel bad or worse or better... risk's yours to take.]

What is this horrible feeling that is coming over me? Stress, then anxiety, then shortness of breath followed by instinctive forcing of long heaps of inhales and exhales, then frustration, then backtrack in memory to what could've gone better throughout my application process, then the background congratulations to everyone else who's been accepted to their respective schools, then the visualization that I won't get into mine, then the room spinning, then the self-comforting that I'll end up somewhere where I will be happy in the end, then the selfish counter that I really want to get in, then tiredness of the whole business and emersion into deep denial of the whole situation actually happening.

"WHEN are you going to find out?"
"Oh my gosh, you applied early too? I heard like 11 applied there."
"If you don't get in, it just wasn't the right place for you."
"You'll be okay." "Wow, that's incredibly hard to get into."
"Good luck! Tell me when you find out." "Ooh, 4 more days..."
"I can’t tell you not to worry, to relax, because whether you’re on the 'excited' side of things, or the 'freaking out' end - that's just unrealistic. " "Colleges shouldn't have the power to break hearts...:/
Good news or bad news, it doesn't change the fact that to me, you'll all always be amazing. ♥" "Hey, just think, in a couple weeks, it'll all be over..."

Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath.

But then at the end of this cyclical madness of the mind, I reach my 10-second epiphany where I realize that whatever happens, it's been decided already. Time is a dimension, but somewhere, it's already been done. Somewhere, I know if I got in or didn't get in. And hopefully, if I get in, it doesn't change too much. Hopefully, I won't get narcissistic or incredibly self-commending or ignorant of other people and unfaithful.
But hopefully, if I don't get in, I shouldn't get really upset as if I expected a different outcome, or incredibly self-deprecating or greenly-envious of other people and unfaithful.
Please, whatever happens, the decision someone else makes should not affect the peace of mind I have. Peace is independent of outside forces.

Peace is faith in God.

That felt good. Deep breath, deep breath, slowly return to normal.

If Summer Was 1 Day. Nay, 2 hours.

only 1.

as the days start to shorten and the nights start to swallow up our energy.

One of my friends was talking about a short story we read in 6th grade and it made my day that she had brought it up. I had forgotten all about it these years... why would they include that story in a 6th grade curriculum? It means so much more than we would consider it for when we were just 11.

The story: All Summer in a Day by Ray Bradbury.

"I think the sun is a flower,

That blooms for just one hour."

"Margot stood alone. She was a very frail girl who looked as if she had been lost in the rain for years and the rain had washed out the blue from her eyes and the red from her mouth and the yellow from her hair. She was an old photograph dusted from an album, whitened away, and if she spoke at all her voice would be a ghost. Now she stood, separate, staring at the rain and the loud wet world beyond the huge glass."

And my favorite passage:

And then—

In the midst of their running one of the girls wailed.

Everyone stopped.

The girl, standing in the open, held out her hand.

"Oh, look, look," she said, trembling.

They came slowly to look at her opened palm.

In the center of it, cupped and huge, was a single raindrop.

She began to cry, looking at it.

They glanced quietly at the sky.

"Oh. Oh."

Oh.

sUMMer

View of the Charles from our room at 3 am

So this summer has been quite awesome so far with a summer program at MIT
that let me tinker with breadboards




and learn python




and apply matrices to real-life scenarios,



all of which I found tremendously useful in deciding what to focus on in the future.
Engineering, one of the teachers said, was basically made up of design and creation.
If that's the case, sign me up.

Apologize

Every time I wear a knock-off designer item, I am very apologetic to that designer because I'm, in the simplest means, disregarding that designer's hard work and innovative creation. But what can I do? It costs a fortune for a student to afford the Doc Martens they want and anything emanating Marc Jacobs's casual brilliance and the Alexander Wang comfortable, chic top and the millions of other things she's been eyeing on magazines and other people in the halls and cities she walks around. (no wait -) !

It weighs heavily on the conscience. Sigh.

Take a Bow

The Bow shall be this set's motif:

Ann Taylor pj top,

liberty tank,

Refuge animal print jeans ($3),

poser Dr. Martens boots ($12)

My mom complains that this trench is like a doctor's lab coat.

Something like it showed up in Urban Outfitter's catalogue this month.

Designs white trench ($8),

Tahari tank,

unnamed hobo-but-way-too-fancy shorts,

Predictions beige heels ($10)

Patriot

Though July is far away.

Gap striped henley ($3).

H&M button-up skirt

(always love wearing this),

unnamed slip-ons

Spring Transitions >>>

So finally got enough hands on time to take a moment to archive some of my favorite outfits:

Gloomy, warm, comfy.

and the vintage ankle boots are great.

Forever 21 headband,

Latina black 2-pocket shirt,

Gap tan knit scarf ($6),

The Limited cropped black pants

always wanted to use a scarf as a feminine bowtie

NYL navy striped cardigan,

scarf from Kmart ($1),

blouse from thrift shop,

Refuge animal print jeans ($3),

Rampage bow sandals ($8)

all grown up for spring

white jacket (hand-me-down),

Moda blouse (actually a maternity line),

6degrees skirt ($5)